Mastering the perfection game

Are you a perfectionist? I am. And always will be. So how’s that going for me? GREAT.

Intrigued? Read on.

When I was younger, being a ‘perfectionist‘ was anxiety inducing, based on fear of failure, and caused low self esteem because of my hyper-criticality. Perhaps I wasn’t born this way (although I am a Virgo) but my environment growing up definitely supported the idea of perfectionism. I remember saying to myself in elementary school that all problems that I experience are caused by me. I am the center of the problems. Therefore, I need to be perfect so I will not experience any problems. Mostly this resulted in the following behavior:

• People-pleasing – difficult to form my own opinions
• Obedient – rule follower
• Over-achiever – but with huge imposter syndrome
• Shy – to those outside my family where my motto was “I’ll only speak if questioned”

For a 4th grader that’s not a healthy mindset. This was coming from a place of “fear of”: failure, punishment, not being accepted, etc. Can you relate?

Now as an adult who has worked on personal growth I’ve worked hard to accept my past and who I am but more importantly, how to optimize my mindset and change what perfection means to me. “You are the center of your problems” is actually empowering to me now.

Let me explain.

The dictionary defines perfect as an almost flawless state free from any defect.  (can it also just have the word Oreo next to it and nothing else?)

A perfectionist is described as someone who has expectations of a flawless outcome, who’s happiness is based on a perfect end result. (The time I made Oreos out of black beans. I can only say I destroyed the evidence..and was not happy.)

Why is that a problem?

Your life is made up of moments, created from your unique experiences and your perceptions of reality. If your expectations don’t meet your perceived realities (the Expectations <-> Reality gap) then you’re set up for disappointment – because you”ll never achieve that perfect end result. If the gap is wide enough and is your daily experience, your mental health will likely be negatively impacted. It’s a game where the outcome is:

You Lose.

I experienced this hard when I became a mom. My perfectionist personality really took my mental health into a complete nose dive. I was trying to reach parenting perfection. Before baby I had a long list of things I would do on my maternity leave. It seemed glorious: things like taking a peacefully sleeping baby out to the coffee shop and reading books in solitude and peace. Or baby wearing while hiking in the beautiful outdoors. It was like the baby was an accessory. That was my expectation. When reality hit me with a colicky reflux baby and breastfeeding issues, I thought if I only work harder, find a new strategy, do more research, I could figure this out and get to that perfect image of motherhood in my head. I just needed to DO more. This strategy took it’s toll and I went into deep depression and anxiety. Of course the extreme sleep deprivation, hormonal imbalances and physical demands of being a new mother exacerbated my mental health decline.

I had set my expectations too high on what the perfect state of being a new mom would be. Because my expectations didn’t meet reality I was totally unprepared and shell shocked, spiraling into depression and anxiety.

What should have happened (if I only knew), was to work on changing my mindset to make ‘perfection’ serve ME. 

How do you change your mindset?

The dictionary also defines perfect as ‘satisfying the requirements’. It should say ‘satisfying your expectations‘. This brings the power back to you. But how do you define your expectations? Here’s a method that works for me and an idea of how to start.

REDUCE

In cooking, when you reduce a liquid, you simmer it down until it is thickened and the flavor intensifies. You create a delectable sauce that can be the star of a dish. When you reduce, you eliminate the insignificant parts (i.e extra liquid) and bring out the true essence (flavor bomb city). 

‘Simmering down’ is the method for that bland liquid to transform into an extraordinary sauce. So reduce your expectations to align with your true essence, what gives your life meaning and purpose and what motivates your actions and behaviors – your personal values.

Not sure what your personal values are?

I’ve found this free quiz helpful and fun. Take the time to figure it out. It’s worth it! Once you’ve determined your personal values – I suggest making them into a few statements (long or short whatever works for you) and reading them every day. You’ll notice that many of your values will likely interconnect and compliment each other.

You can see my top values below.

Want to save time and get 50 more Value examples to your inbox? Sign up to get my Values chart!

As a new mom, I could have focused on my values (Health, Inner Harmony, Family, Simplification). I could have prioritized getting more sleep and support (HEALTH) so I could be the best version of myself (FAMILY) and not sweat the small stuff (Simplification). This would have eliminated so many useless things like hours of research to find the perfect baby bottle.

How do you close the expectation <-> reality gap?

Once your actions and behaviors reflect your personal values, they become the most important expectations of yourself. And once you experience living your values and making progress aligned to those values, your expectations become your reality. A big weight is lifted off your shoulders because the truth is, nothing ever needs to be perfect.

Many times when you feel internal conflict, your body tensing up, chest tightening, etc, it’s likely because your actions and behaviors aren’t aligning with your values. So whenever you start feeling the perfection monster looming over, take a deep breath. You can even say “Simmer down’ and ask yourself ‘Am I aligned with my values? Am I making progress?’ When your expectations start meeting your realities you’ve really mastered the ‘perfection’ game. 

Let’s recap:

• Gap between expectations and perceived reality creates negative emotions (disappointment, anxiety, fear, etc)
• Reduce your expectations to align with your values
• Living your values become your reality
• Gap is now closing
• Progress (towards your values) IS perfection

Remember in the beginning I said, ‘You are the center of your problems’. This is an empowering statement now because I have the internal power within myself to change my mindset. Those negative behaviors I listed in the beginning have changed to the following positive behaviors:

So am I a perfectionist? YES because I define perfection as progress towards living my values every day. Progress is perfection!

btw 2 yrs later that black bean Oreo recipe is still a work in progress – it shall be done..and of course, I will share the recipe when it’s complete!

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